This post is part of a Friday series on bravery…because it’s the topic on my mind lately. And I guess I can’t help writing about it. You can check out previous bravery posts here, here and here.
An interesting thing happened last week when I was rewriting a scene for my spring 2015 release, From the Start. I was writing in my heroine’s POV…which in plain speak means I was writing from the point of view of my main character, Kate Walker.
I don’t know how it works for other writers, but for me, it usually takes me awhile to really sink into a scene. I can sit and stare at my computer for an hour, typing in fits and spurts, trying to let go of the real world and lose myself in my pretend one. But once I’m in…I’m in. That’s when the words start flowing and the characters take over and the story starts telling itself.
Last week, on this particular night, I was IN. So much so that after about two hours of working on this scene, eventually pulling back and stepping away felt like a shock to the system.
Even more shocking, though, was going back and rereading what I’d written. Realizing what I’d written. Blurting out, “Melissa, you can’t write that!”
Because somehow as I wrote, Kate’s POV had completely meshed with my POV. Dude, it’s like I accidentally slipped and carved open a piece of my heart.
I suddenly felt incredibly vulnerable. Way too see-through. I’d said too much. And I couldn’t let people know I felt that.
*****
A few years ago I was at a work retreat out in Colorado. Three things stand out to me from that trip:
1) I got to eat at my first fondue restaurant. True story: I’m a fan.
2) We only got to spend all of maybe one hour outside. While in Colorado. One of the few states in the U.S. in which my hair manages to look okay due to lack of humidity. UN. FAIR.
3) And something one of the other retreat attendees said one night at dinner. Which was something like this:
“Often, we don’t tell the full scope of what we’re thinking or feeling—the whole truth. We give 90%, but leave the last 10% unsaid. If we want to be fully honest, we have to ask ourselves, what’s the 10% we’re not saying?”
I remember stilling from across the table as he said those words, the truth of them tugging me into alertness.
And I have thought so many times since then about how often I do exactly what he said—I stop short of that last 10%. Particularly when it comes to confronting hard truths, sharing the deeper things on my heart. I love conversations with friends. I love sharing my heart with people I trust. But I am ridiculously good at reaching that 90% mark and cutting off, holding tight to the last oh-so-vulnerable 10%.
The truth is, I’m not so sure I’m all that good at being honest.
*****
Awesome author and friend Ian Acheson recently recommended a couple Brene Brown books to me. I haven’t started reading the first one yet (have to finish a different book first) but in picking out which books of hers to buy, I ran across this quote:
“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.”
I love that. I think I’m okay at the showing up part. I’m even okay at letting myself be seen.
But I don’t like to let people to see everything. It’s why I physically shuddered when I reread that scene I wrote last week…the one in which I spilled more of my own emotion than I intended.
But guess what happened when I read that scene a second time? I realized…it’s one of the best things I’ve written lately. It actually made me tear up that second time around. There was heart and emotion and depth in those paragraphs. There was no 10% left unsaid.
There was honestly.
There was vulnerability.
Which reminds me of another Brene Brown quote I stumbled upon while following up on Ian’s recommendation:
“Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.”
She’s so right. There was a change in my writing that night. A change in the character, in the whole feel of the story. A different kind of creativity.
But it took a small measure of bravery not to go back and delete those words, to know someone out there might read them, might realize it’s not just Kate Walker walking through those emotions…
Yet I’m convinced, more than ever, that if I really want to be brave…if this thing going on my head is more than just pretty words in lengthy blog posts…it starts with being honest. Learning to say the words…all of them. And refusing to hold back…even when it’s hard.
How about you? Do you ever find it hard to be all the way honest? Do you think honesty and bravery are linked?
Comments 32
Hi Melissa! I can so relate to your words. I wrestled with complete honesty in my upcoming release but I have discovered with feedback from my advance readers how much my honesty ministered to them—and would minister to others. Often we soft pedal the deeper realities of life, thinking we need to appear perfect in front of others. Yet if we were perfect, we wouldn’t need Jesus. Thanks for sharing from your heart.
Blessings, Elaine
Author
Thanks for stopping by, Elaine, and congrats on the great feedback on your upcoming release!
Melissa, I’m working on being braver too… and I highly recommend you dig in to those Brene Brown books. They definitely have some good info on being brave!
Author
I’m definitely excited to get started on the Brene Brown books. Finishing up one other first (a book called Restless…also amazingly fitting 🙂 ) and then it’s on to the first Brown one. Yay!
I’m writing a short story, and I’ve struggled with it. I think part of it is because the heroine is not a typical heroine, but she seems so real. I’m going to write it with honesty. I can always soften her up in revising. Thanks!!
Author
Yay for going with honesty AND for writing a heroine that’s not a typical heroine. I love the atypical ones best.
Really great post & so true. I’m slogging away and getting better at it & appreciate the insights and honesty you’re putting into your books. Keep it up & keep going!
Author
“Slogging away.” That’s such a great phase and such an accurate picture of how writing feels sometimes, especially when we’re digging for those deeper, honest layers. So excited to see where your writing journey takes you, Dee!
Of course being honest means — many times — that you have to have bravery to say it. Because if people know the REAL us…they can judge the real us. If they see something they don’t like, then we know they don’t like the real us. If we hold back, we can at least protect ourselves a little, and if someone doesn’t like us or something about us, we can hide behind that, “Well, they don’t know everything” excuse.
But honesty also changes the world. I’m a firm believer that God can use it — and He will — if we are willing. Proud of you!
Author
“But honesty also changes the world.”
That is SO true, Linds. Don’t know if you realize this, but you are someone who models honesty and bravery to me. Cannot wait to see you next week!
I’m not sure if it’s an age thing or maybe a life experience thing. I was less brave when I was younger.
Years ago, when one of our children was critically ill, that was probably the most frightening thing I’ve ever faced. After that, I won’t say it’s all been gravy, but that situation defined a new “brave” for me.
I do think as writers it takes tenacity and bravery every day. And vulnerability. To slog through the process during the fun times and not so fun times is the refining period. We can hopefully look back and see how far we’ve come and realize how much we’ve grown.
About the honesty thing. My family and those who know me best understand I will always try to be honest. Truthfully. Tactfully. Lovingly.
Now in my manuscripts, I do allow more vulnerability than I might in a one-on-one conversation. You’re right–it’s hard not to press “delete” sometimes.
Great post!
Author
I bet age and life experience do have a lot to do with our penchant for full honesty. I think probably as we get older, we start shedding the protective layers that we sometimes wear when we’re young adults and still sort of floundering to find our place and purpose.
And yes, I agree…writing takes major levels of tenacity and bravery. I thought to myself, as I finished this post, that if there’s not at least a tiny degree of fear in the writing journey, then probably aren’t pushing or challenging ourselves like we should.
Trying so hard not to tear up – since I’m reading this in public.
Melissa, what a piece with so much heart you’ve written.
Every word resonates with me. Thank you for your bravery and strenght.
Blessings.
Author
I’m so thankful this post resonated with you, Ganise. It’s one that’s been brewing in the back of my head for a week and a half now, ever since that night of writing the scene I mentioned…and I have a feeling these thoughts about honesty and bravery are going to be staying with me for quite awhile.
Great post and wonderfully written! Yes, being honest is hard – opening up a piece of yourself is scary. But often so worth it! Thanks again for sharing!
Author
Thanks, Jamie!
Have to tell you that now, whenever I see your name anywhere on social media, I think of that photo of you with NTB…and I get both happy and jealous at the same time. LOL!
I’m super good up to the 90% … after that, I want to crawl in a hole. There is just a tiny. little. sliver of people that I will allow into that inner sanctum of 10%. It is hard to be honest and vulnerable. I think honesty and bravery are linked. In terms of real-life relationships, being honest because you care about the listener and want what’s best for them means letting go of one’s own agenda: pride, self-protection, etc. I’m a bit of a newbie at the writing part, but when one of my beta readers said that a particular section of dialogue or a scene was “so me” … meaning the real me was evident, I almost hyperventilated. I think I even re-wrote the scene a bit to “hide”. Thanks for prompting us to be brave and tackle the hard stuff. Keep writing, I’m intrigued by this Kate lady.
Author
Same here, Heidi–there aren’t that many people who I’m willing to let see that last 10%. But what really concerns me is that sometimes, I don’t even want to let those people, the ones I’m crazy close to, see that last 10%…or at least the last 5%. It’s something I want to work on though because I think relationships most flourish when we’re most honest. You’re right, it’s about letting go of our own pride or self-protection for sure.
And yes, when those deep pieces of us sneak into our writing…it’s scary. A little exhilarating too…but scary.
In my real life, I find it very hard to be all the way honest and vulnerable because I don’t trust people very easily (which has it’s good side and it’s bad side). I usually have a series of “quizzes” that a person would have to pass in order for me to be truly honest and vulnerable with them. In my writing life, it’s easier for me to be honest. Don’t know why, maybe it’s because the writing doesn’t react to what I say on the page, it just records my words. Sure, someone could read them but since I write fiction, I can hide behind the story. 😉
Author
I like your series of quizzes. 🙂 And you know, as I wrote this, and as I thought about honesty and vulnerability, I did have the thought that as important as honesty is, I don’t think we’re obligated to be vulnerable with everyone we know…and certainly not the entire internet. It’s why I didn’t go more into depth in my post about what emotions my character was processing in that overly honest scene. People can just guess about that once they get the book. LOL!
Hiding behind the story…I do that. A lot. One of the perks of being a fiction writer.
Yes! What a beautifully honest post, Melissa. It IS hard to be 100% honest when it comes to making ourselves vulnerable. We don’t like that idea of everyone “seeing” our weakest points or the moments when we’re at our worst. That being said, you’ve written an encouraging, wonderful post. THANK YOU for that – and for sharing it with us. 🙂
How much more curious can I get about Kate and this new book? Way to further tease us. 😉
Author
Thanks so much, Rissi. And yes, being honest ALL the way…it’s not easy. Sometimes I think being a writer makes it all the harder because, as another commenter noticed, I can hide behind my story…but blog posts like this push me to a different kind of transparency. And that’s good for me.
Yay I’m glad you’re curious about the book. It’s interesting…it’s taken soooo many forms in the past year. Which is exactly what happened in Here to Stay…I thought it was going one place but by the time it was finally done, it was a completely different story than I’d thought!
This post hit me hard. Especially after I searched your blog for the post where you announced your contract with Bethany House. You and I are oddly similar. (Wait, that makes it sound like I think we’re odd. My bad.)
This inspired my own post on bravery. Thanks for sharing this with us. 🙂
Author
So glad this resonated with you, Courtney. I should go back and read that post about my first contract. It was SUCH an exciting and happy time. Yay for being oddly similar…lol! I’ll have to go read your post now. 🙂
So good, Melissa. 🙂
Author
Thank you, Rachelle!
Hi Melissa!
I knew there was a reason I kept skipping over the email I got about this post . . . okay, so I didn’t know at the time, but I do now. God wanted to me stop and really read what you had to say, instead of just kind of skimming over it and hitting the important things, which is what I do when I’m in the middle of something or am waiting.
I’m an old pro at the sharing 90%, but holding the rest back. Except I’m pretty quiet, so I probably only share about 80% of what I’m thinking/feeling on any given day. I’ve actually been convicted lately of the wall I’ve built around myself. In trying to protect my heart, I’ve blocked out people and God. I don’t trust easily and don’t let many get close enough to see behind the facade. And it definitely takes bravery to do that! It requires a lot of courage for me to be vulnerable. It’s so easy to hide behind the walls and only let people see what I’m comfortable with, but I have to really work and strive to let go and allow anyone in. In protecting myself, I’ve also isolated myself from friends, from God, from those whose lives I could impact if I would only find the strength to let go. Which sounds so backwards, but it is true for me. Holding on tight and keeping control is much easier than releasing it and letting the walls fall.
Before this gets any longer, I will simply thank you for a very thought provoking post and wish you a lovely week! 😀
Blessings,
~Sarah
Hi, again!
I was just reading my daily devotional and this sentence struck me and I thought I would share it with you. 🙂
“He [God] calls us to be vulnerable with others, to show them what He can do with a surrendered life.” – Daily Reflections on the Names of God by Ava Pennington, page 343
It just seemed to go perfectly with what you were talking about. Okay, I will officially sign off now and let you be!
I hope you have a lovely week!
~Sarah
Author
“Holding on tight and keeping control is much easier than releasing it and letting the walls fall.”
This is so, so true, Sarah. I actually had an opportunity over the weekend to be very honest with someone. This is one of the people in my life I’m the closest to and even being honest with this person about this one particular subject (not even something hugely impacting) was SUPER hard for me. It’s funny ’cause even as the words were coming out of my mouth, I was thinking of this post…reminding myself, “say the last 10%.” It was hard…but good…and afterward, I kept thinking about how good it felt to finally say out loud to someone what I’d been keeping to myself for quite awhile.
I love that line from your devotional!
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