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| Ahhh…somebody warn them about what they’re getting into! |
Once upon a time…
I made the decision while getting ridiculously sunburned gloriously sun-kissed atop the balcony of a beautiful South Carolina house overlooking a marshy waterway. I was brainstorming between nodding off when the idea hit.
My story needs a prince. (And whoa, I need some aloe.)
So I’ve done a little research on royalty since then. And I’ve come to a rather firm conclusion: I probably shouldn’t marry a prince. To put it plainly: I’m a little freaked out by the His and Her Highnesses of history and some of their life (or death) experiences!
Why? Well, for your reading pleasure–or possibly horror–here’s a little sampling of some of what I’ve learned:
- Louis XIV of France hated washing and only took three baths in his entire adult life. In a word: gross. In two words: really gross.
- Queen Victoria survived seven assassination attempts during her reign. Unless Jack Bauer volunteers to protect me, I think I’d rather avoid such odds.
- King Alexandros I of Greece died from blood poisoning…after being bitten by his pet monkey.
- During the reign of Elizabeth I, men were taxed…for their beards. Now, I’m cool with a little facial scruff (see example), so I don’t think taxing beards is all that nice. I’m surprised nobody threw a tea party over that! I can just imagine hoards of men dumping their Bics into the Boston Harbor.
- George I of England did not have a happy marriage. In fact, he ended up placing his wife–never to become queen–on house arrest. For 32 years. I wonder if castle fever is anything like cabin fever?
- King George V of England died on January 26, 1936, at 11:55 p.m. Fifty years later, in 1986, history revealed that the king’s doctor, Lord Dawson, had given him a lethal injection of cocaine and morphine so he’d die before midnight…and so his death could be announced in the morning edition of the Times rather rather than the less prestigious afternoon edition. Obit placement is everything, don’t you know.
Speaking of death, I also learned it’s illegal to die inside the British Parliament as it’s classified a royal palace. Apparently the law dates back to a time when dying within a royal palace was considered highly suspicious. Because, yes, obviously you’re up to no good if you keel over in the wrong place.
To be fair, though, the life of a royal probably isn’t all bad. For instance, when Queen Victoria got married, she was given a giant wheel of cheddar cheese as a gift…which weighed over 1,000 pounds! And that’s just cool. I think.
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Oh, I remember learning about King Henry VIII in history b/c here’s his 6 wives fate: divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived (because he died before her)…that symmetry has always stayed with me. Nice of him to keep order, right? Oh…and you know what else gets me??? When you marry a royal you have to walk two steps behind them!
And while I like cheese, I’m not sure it would be enough to entice me. Unless it was goat cheese, then maybe.
Okay, the walking steps behind him is both un-dignifying AND it’d make it seriously hard to hold hands. 🙂
And yeah, King Henry VIII, scary dude. And he’s the one who made up his own denomination just so he could divorce his first wife, right? Cheeky man.
No way! Give me peasantry any time. At least no one would be scrutinizing your every move. I always felt so sorry for Princess Diana.
Good point. Who wants to live under a microscope?
Being Canadian, we like us some royalty!
Like Pat Trainum, I felt sorry for Diana, she was a deer in the headlights and had little or no guidance. Buck House (Buckingham Palace) took GREAT pains to ease Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge into her new role.
If I could be royal for a day, I’d outlaw my daughter’s boyfriend and send him to live alone on an ice flow in the northern reaches of Hudson’s Bay. Then I’d outlaw a search and rescue party.
Oh, and I’d order my family a truck load of crackers to go with the cheese.
And since I HATE my husband’s beard, hello! Beard ban!!
Yay, a Canadian!! I think you and Sandra Orchard are the only two Canadians we’ve had around Tag(g)lines. And I’m so tempted to ask you both if you know any Mounties. 🙂
Buckingham Palace sidenote: I lived a block from the palace when I studied abroad, but I never saw the queen. However, during my first week there, one of the biggest headlines was this: “Queen Elizabeth wears trousers.” Not even joking!
Umm…I’m now slightly worried for your daughter’s boyfriend!! LOL!
Yes, I know quite a few Mounties. I’ve even done a “ride along” and watched an known arsonist get ticketed for pot possession.
Did you know the boots the Mounties wear take 20 minutes to lace up??? EACH?!?!?
The Red Serge they wear causes members of the opposite sex to come down with instant cases of “scarlet fever”.
The ties they wear are snap on so that no one gets choked during an arrest.
Female Mounties are not allowed to wear things on duty.
The RCMP insignia is called a “shoulder flash” and is valued at police conventions all over the world.
Stetson makes their dress hats.
Oh, and not every Mountie rides a horse.
Sweet! I feel so knowledgeable all of a sudden!!
Oh, Mel, you crack me up. Where do you come up with this stuff?!
Being a modern-day royal might be fun, since there’s probably a bit more freedom. But in the past, it seems they were pretty much duty-bound, which would be no fun. I’d rather be able to choose my mate and all that jazz.
But to be a royal for a day? Sure, why not? 🙂
Haha, I come up with this stuff, generally, when I’m over-caffeinated and under-rested. 🙂
I think I’d like to be a royal for a day simply for the fun clothing. But I wouldn’t want to go out in public…I’d constantly be worried that a paparazzi dude would snap a photo of me tripping in heels or my tiara askew or something. 🙂
Yes, I clicked on the “I like a little bit of facial hair” example and why was I not surprised to see Tim Tebow’s smiling face?
😉
And, yes, I’d be a royal for a day.
I’d skip the cheese wheel and just carry my own gun.
And, Mother Of The Bride, you could decree that Tim Tebow at least take Melissa out for dinner.
Haha, Beth…I just couldn’t resist…and let’s face it, there is NO better example of good facial hair.
Also, I really like Jennifer’s idea. If you ever become queen, I hope that will be your first order of business. 🙂 You can enforce it with that gun…although I’m not sure how romantic a date-at-gunpoint would be. I’m just going to assume that he’d go along with it willingly and you wouldn’t have to pull out the gun.
I’d love to be royal for a day! Don’t care so much about a cheese wheel… I might try to take that day to roll up my sleeves and influence parliament. I’d stop back in for an awesome supper and a ball though! Fun Post, Melissa!
Oh, I like the nobility you bring to this discussion, Michelle–that you’d try to use your influence for good. And here I am thinking about cheese and dates with a quarterback. 🙂
Are you still walking on the clouds this week? 😉
I do like cheddar cheese…but no! I love my privacy too much. 🙂
Besides, if you REALLY wanted 1000 pounds of cheese, I’m sure your local supermarket would be happy to oblige. 🙂
Every job has its perks – 1,000 pound wheel of cheese? Yes, please!
I’m always mortified when I learn about the lives that took place behind royal walls. I had the opportunity to go the Palace of Versailles when I was in France a couple years ago and I visited the home of Marie Antoinette. I’ve also been in Windsor Castle in England. What an opulent life they lead – and how tragic for most of them. It was a constant game and their lives were in the balance at all times. No thank you!
Hey, I went to Versailles, too. And Windsor–although I didn’t get to go in the castle. That was one of my favorite days ever…with a group of about 15 friends (some American, mostly Brits) we took a train out to this little town, walked about 8 miles to Windsor, ate dinner at a pub and then took a bus back to London…it was such an amazing day!
You know what would be really horrible? Being someone like Lady Jane Grey–forced into the throne, then forced out 9 days later and killed. Eek!
Maybe if it was extra sharp cheddar cheese (going to eat some of that after I make this comment, I think). I’m a pretty big fan of good hygiene, and not having monkeys hanging out around my house, so no princes or kings or whatever for me. I’m all about the stereotypical princes from movies or cartoons, though. Heroes, and cute, and probably pretty clean!
Haha…I like that you’re specific on which cheese… 🙂 I actually might enjoy having a monkey around, but not if he was a biter. 🙂 Hehehe…
Yeah, I totally agree! I don’t think I would want to be a princess or marry a prince. Though it would be kind of fun to have Jack Bauer around…I’d take him over the cheese 😀
Depending on which 24 hours Jack was hanging around, it’d either be totally awesome or ridiculously scary. 🙂
I like Cindy’s idea of the extra sharp cheddar cheese,however, pepper jack cheese would also be acceptable. But after indulging,I better not have to have a photo-shoot with the paparazzi. Too hard to suck in the tummy that long!
On second thought, I’ll skip the prince and the cheese and go pull on my stretchy yoga pants! Love the common life!
Mmm…pepper jack cheese. 🙂 I skimped on lunch today and now I”m feeling it! I need to stop thinking about cheese. Hehehe…
I love cheese but…
Ewww on Louis XIV! I can’t even imagine…
I’m not made for that kind of royalty. I just couldn’t follow all the silly rules.
I know, some things are just not worth it. Not even cheese!
After reading this I’m glad I didn’t marry a prince!! LOL
I’m happy with my carpenter husband. 🙂
Haha…yeah, and if you ever decide you missed out and wish you had a castle or throne or something, maybe your carpenter husband could just build you one!
LOL I giant wheel of cheese would def be worth it if I had a giant 1000lbs of Miralax to go with it!
I’m sure your lady-in-waiting or something could pick some up for you at the nearest pharmacy. 🙂
Uh-oh. No thank you. Though…I will say I like the idea of dressing up in all the gowns and jewels just once. And let’s face it, Duchess Kate is just plain cute in anything that woman wears.
Do you think maybe nobility goes just a bit to a person’s head? 😉
I bet after dressing in all the gowns and jewels once, it’d be enough. Especially if we’re talking old-school gowns for which you’d need a corset. Once would be plenty. 🙂
Ok, so when I was a kid (before the internet) we had catalogs from a place called Service Merchandise. They had LOTS of beautiful jewelry, and I’d pretend that I was the queen and it was a listing of all of MY jewels! All I had to do was tell someone I wanted x piece from y page, and there it would be.
Long story short, I have a long history of fantasizing about being royalty! The cheese might not be worth it, but the bling most definitely would!
I remember getting to see the Crown Jewels in London and thinking, whoa, those would be fun to wear for about 20 minutes but then I’d get worn out from the heaviness. Haha!
Maybe for a day? To wear a gown. But for a lifetime, no way. The lack of privacy would kill an introvert like me.
Wearing a gown would totally be fun…unless it requires a corset. Haha!
You bring up a good point! It would be incredibly hard to be royal and introverted at the same time!
I love this post! You crack me up. 🙂 I love cheese, but I would rather not have a smelly husband…