Reasons I included this photo with this post:
1. You’re going to need a cup of coffee to get through it. It’s, um, long.
2. I WANT THOSE ADORABLE CUP SWEATER THINGS!
All right, friends. I’m just going to be super honest today, okay? I mean, I like to think I’m always honest here, but I usually try to couch the transparency in funny stories and slightly off the wall confessions about crushes on characters and plans to stalk my favorite band and etc etc etc. 🙂
But today…today I’m just going to lay it all out there. Because, well, this is my blog and I can. LOL!
So the other day I was listening to this NPR podcast I absolutely love–Pop Culture Happy Hour. (Shoutout to fellow author and pal Hillary Manton Lodge for turning me on to it.) And they were interviewing TV writer/producer/showrunner Shonda Rhimes.
Now, I’ve never actually watched a Shonda Rhimes show. She’s probably most known for Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice and Scandal. For whatever reason, those shows have never really been Melissa-bait, but I have plenty of friends who like them. Regardless, I loved the interview! And there was one particular piece of it that just grabbed at my heart…one little line in which Rhimes acknowledged that she very frequently speaks through her characters in ways she wouldn’t speak in person.
Um…yes.
I don’t know any author who doesn’t speak through her characters. Our heroes and heroines are pieces of our hearts. Some of us might get slightly more vulnerable than others in how much we let our characters reflect our own thoughts and feelings, but I think we all do it to some degree.
In my case…I tend to get overly honest. Seriously, my characters will, at times, say things I’ve frequently been too reserved or, let’s face it, fearful to actually say out loud.
Like in Made to Last when Miranda suddenly blurts out that she lied simply because she wanted to. Have you ever had such a realization? A moment when you’re making excuses for your actions but then you realize all of sudden that really, you made a bad choice or did a wrong thing solely because some icky piece of you just plain wanted to?
Or in Here to Stay when Autumn talks about not being able to choose between two dreams.
Or in Three Little Words when Seth voices what it feels like to be single without kids in a very minivan-oriented world.
Or in From the Start when Kate acknowledges that she’s constantly writing characters who are braver than she is.
Yup. All me.
Well, I recently finished writing a Christmas novella (One Enchanted Christmas) in which my main characters –Maren and Drew ❤ ❤ ❤ — both at one point admit internally or to another person that they’re nervous. Maren, a mystery author, is nervous about her next book and her deadlines and her ability to keep up her current pace of life. Drew is nervous about a recent BIG decision he’s made…and whether it might all be a huge mistake.
And both those things are so, soooo ridiculously autobiographical.
I am very nervous about my writing lately. Just laying it out there. This Christmas novella is my first solo project separate from a publisher. I don’t know how it’s going to go. I don’t know how many people are going to buy it.
I don’t know how much to market it or when to sit back and simply hold my breath and hope readers somehow find it among all the millions of books out there.
And I am nervous about a recent big decision I made. I’m nervous about whether or not it was really the right course of action and if I’ll regret it weeks or months down the road and what other people are going to say or think about it.
The weird thing is, I’m usually pretty darn good at tamping down on nervous butterflies. When I was a kid getting ready to sing or play piano in church…when I was in high school and had to give class presentations…when I’ve had important phone calls or interviews…just recently when I presented a workshop in front of 75 other writers…I can usually just swallow the nerves, square my shoulders and soldier on.
But lately that hasn’t been the case.
Well, last week was Thanksgiving and I’d like to say that in a move of admirable maturity, I started counting my blessings and being grateful and suddenly all my anxiety dissolved and I found my way to an even-keeled, confident bliss.
Um…yeah…not so much.
I tried. I did. I told myself to stop caring so much. That these things I was worrying over weren’t really that important in the bigger scope of life and the world and humanity. So shouldn’t it be easier to set the mental load aside and just lighten up?
It wasn’t until the end of the weekend that I finally had a little breakthrough of sorts. Which is what prompted this blog. (And can I just say, if you’re still reading, wow, thank you for putting up with my wordiness.) I can’t say I suddenly heard an audible voice or had a strange divine sense or was instantly flooded with peace. But I do think I had a moment of clarity, a moment in which God nudged me and somehow got into my head and heart the thing I needed to hear:
“I never asked you not to care. The things that are important to you…they’re important to me too. Because you’re important to me. All I really ask of you…is to trust me.”
And trust, I realized as I mulled this yesterday, doesn’t mean I plaster on a fake smile and press the off-switch on my emotions. It doesn’t mean I pretend I’m fine when I’m not.
It does mean I get honest. With God, with myself, maybe with another person or two. I get as honest as my characters. Acknowledge what’s stressing me out and what I’m feeling. And it means I make a decision to care more about what God thinks of me than the people around me.
And what does he think? He thinks I matter. He thinks all the things currently playing hurricane with my nerves–big and little–matter. And because it all matters, he’s not going to leave me to handle any of it on my own.
And wow, that is something to be thankful for…at Thanksgiving time and any time!
*****
Just a quick p.s.: I mentioned one of the things making me nervous is this Christmas novella project I’ve been working on. It really is a new thing for me and as fun as it’s been, it’s also been a fair amount of work and experimentation. But now, just a week and a day away from its release, I can’t help but say a big, huge, heartfelt THANK YOU to the people who have been so supportive…and that includes YOU. If you’re someone who has preordered the book or shared it with your friends or given it an advance read and written a review, thank you. You’re making my heart swell this Monday morning. I am super blessed to get to connect with you through stories. Hugs!
Comments 22
Love this! Just YES!
And God loves a transparent heart–it’s real and it draws out others who are in the same boat.
Author
I’m so glad this resonated with you, Crystal. Transparency does not come easy to me…although, it comes a lot easier in writing than in any other form. 🙂 But I think it’s such an important thing. When we’re transparent, when we make ourselves share our vulnerable places when we know we need to, we grow and connect and bond…and that’s worth the work of being honest and genuine. 🙂
Bravo! I love your heart, Melissa. Your honesty is refreshing, too. God knows how we feel and He will always be there for us, even when we feel we’re not trusting enough. I have experienced this many times.
Author
Thank you for the comment, Susan, and I so agree! There are times when I feel like the WORST Christian for my sometimes fickle, off-and-on trust…but God has this uncanny and amazing ability to love us anyway. And I think that’s amazing.
From a fellow Melissa, loved your willingness to be honest and open! Thank you! So want to read your books haven’t gotten the chance yet! I understand those nerves, i get them to the point of sickness. Prayers,Blessings & Hugs!
Author
YAY for a fellow Melissa. It’s a nice name, isn’t it? 🙂
And thanks so much for reading the post! You know, I don’t wish nerves or nervousness or anxiety on anyone else BUT it’s always nice to hear we’re not alone there, yeah? And I think sometimes just the simple act of sharing how we’re feeling helps.
As someone who has struggled with being honest wit the world, I get it. I get the nerves and I understand the anxiety. However, as you know the person that matters is God, but living in this world is difficult when your living for a heavenly bound place in a earthly place filled with fleshly desires. God knows your desire is to trust him and bring glory to his name. He’s got your back. Keep shining!
Author
Thank you so much for this comment, Sarah. It’s filled with truth! I don’t know why being honest can feel so difficult (or why it’s so much easier–for me, anyway–in writing than in person!)…but I think the more we work at it, exercise that muscle, so to speak, the easier or at least less angsty it’ll get. 🙂
I appreciate your vulnerability in this post. I have been feeling so anxious and nervous about so many things going on in my life, but I tend to bottle up my emotions. I have been reading Rising Strong by Brené Brown and, can I just say wow! This book is totally changing how I view honesty and transparency. Thank you so much for sharing this with your readers! I know I definitely needed to hear it!
Author
I’m sorry you’ve been feeling anxious and nervous, too, Melissa. I almost wonder if these kinds of feelings grow stronger around the holidays. Because I don’t tend to be a nervous, anxiety-filled person…and yet, lately, whoa.
I’ve heard so many good things about Rising Strong! I just started reading a different book of hers recently, but had to put it aside due to several endorsement reads. I’m excited to pick it back up, but now I’m wondering if I should skip ahead to Rising Strong just because soooo many people have recommended it. It sounds awesome!
BRAVO! This was an amazing post, Melissa. We’ve all been here. Thanks for sharing some of your struggles. Glad you enjoyed a little breakthrough. It’s hard NOT to let that nagging voice plant doubts, I’m in that frame of mind all the time. But I know this new project of yours is going to be amazing- and best of luck with that personal decision too. Wishing you all the best. You’ve got this. 🙂
Author
Thank you for the BRAVO, Rissi. 🙂 🙂 🙂 This was one of those posts that seemed to just write itself…I guess I needed an outlet. And from the conversation today, it seems I’m not the only one …so I’m glad it found its way onto the page (er, screen). Thanks for the well wishes!
Hi Melissa!
First off, congrats on your novella! I actually just started it while I was on lunch today, so I’ve not made it very far, but I can say that I’m incredibly intrigued!
Secondly, have you been reading my mind?? I’ve been super nervous lately and it’s driving me batty! This whole blog post was so much of what I’m struggling with and what’s been on my heart lately. So thank you. Thank you for being brave and sharing your heart. Because like you, I’m typically pretty good as shoving down my nerves and moving on, but recently it’s as though I can’t get away from them. And I had an convicting moment this morning as something I’d seen on Facebook months ago came to mind: “Have you prayed about it as much as you’ve talked about it?” Um. . .no, I haven’t. And I need to figure out how to just let it go. Worrying and talking about it (which is what I do when I’m fretting something. Just keep going back over it again and again as though it’s going to change it somehow) is just stressing me out further. And it’s making my worries bigger than they are. It’s also very selfish of me, which I feel terrible about. So, anyway, after that rambling mess, thank you, again, for sharing! I’ll be praying for you!
Author
Hey Sarah–yay, I’m glad you’ve had a chance to start reading the novella already. Thanks bunches for being an advance reader. 🙂
I’m so sorry about the nerves lately. That kind of anxiety is just NO fun at all…which I can heartily attest to. And sometimes, no matter how much we tell ourselves NOT to be nervous, not to be anxious, our heads and hearts don’t always obey. But I do think often just the act of sharing how we’re feeling–whether it’s in a blog post like this or to a trusted friend or family member–takes away some of the impact of those nervous feelings. But then like you said, sometimes when we talk and talk and talk about them, we just exacerbate them. So I guess it’s a balance of acknowledging and letting go when we need to.
I echo the others in their voice of “Bravo”!
Thank you for being honest. This post really is like reading something I would’ve written because I’ve felt the same. Being honest is really, really hard.
But those words you felt from God – wow! So true!! Oh how the Lord is good.
You are inspiring as a person, may I just say that? I haven’t as of yet had the privilege of reading your books yet, but I already look forward to your posts here and on facebook.
You’re a light for God, and I am encouraged by you!
In Him,
Raechel
Author
Hi Raechel! Thanks so much for such a thoughtful comment…and for your amazingly kind words. I really appreciate them…and you! Sooo encouraging. And I echo what you said: God is good! He knows just what we need to hear and when we need to hear it.
All the “Yes and amens!” to this, Melissa. Thank YOU for your honesty and transparency in writing this and in your fiction. This really encouraged me to let go of a lot of fear in being transparent through my (very imperfect) characters and hopefully a few new layers of them will be revealed.
Author
Thanks so much for reading and for your comment, Meghan. Isn’t it craaaazy how we have so much to learn from and through our own characters? It’s amazing to me how they end up taking on a life of their own and speaking truth into us that we never expected. It’s my favorite part of storytelling!
Melissa, you are definitely brave. You moved to a new place and put your time and resources into your childhood dream…and now awesome books with your name line bookshelves. As for others wanting to do what they know isn’t right, there are others that have hearts like yours, mine included (yes, that’s a reference to a lyric of a band you kind of like). As for the trust thing. I struggle with that a lot. It sounds so weird to say that because God is good and cares for us, and why is it difficult to trust a God like that? Praying that God continues to lead you and use you as His loved one.
Author
A) You win all the points for the NTB reference. LOVED. IT. And from one of my very favorite songs, too!
B) I’ve said it in comments above, but I’ll say it again: I am SO glad I’m not the only one who struggles sometimes, who has trouble trusting. And I really think the more we can admit that to each other, the more we find encouragement for the journey and motivation to keep going, keep trusting.
C) I miss you and why can’t you move to Des Moines?? 🙂
Thanks for this wonderful post Melissa! I know God is going to do great things through this new novella 😀
Author
Thanks so much, Emilie. (And thanks too for the email you sent this morning. I read it about an hour ago and smiled so much, but also teared up so much that I couldn’t even respond right away. LOL! But I will soon. Thank you and you rock!)