The Best Resolutions No One Ever Made

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There is no sane reason or justification for the list you’re about to read. 

My only explanation? I was thinking the other day about how similar many people’s resolutions are. How we all tend to be hungry for the same changes. And you’d think that thought would take me somewhere philosophical, maybe even meaningful. 

Instead, it took me here: If there are resolutions it seems everyone makes, are there also resolutions no one makes?


Thus, this:

Melissa’s List (or best guess, really) of the Top 10 Resolutions No One Has Ever Made:

10. I resolve to…deepen my interaction with my dentist.
Because dentists always try to talk to you when they’re scraping your bicuspids, right? No more monosyllabic answers and barely veiled eye rolls. It’s time for some heart-to-heart conversation in the confines of the dentist’s chair.

9. I resolve to…resurrect the corset.
Shudder.

8. I resolve to…spend more time on social media to the detriment of my real life relationships.
No one has to resolve this. We just do it.

7. I resolve to…trade my Mac in for a PC.
Sorry, my bias is showing.

6. I resolve to…learn the lyrics to every Justin Bieber song.
I know the lyrics to one. Is that good enough? (And is that pop culture reference oh-so-2011? Should I have switched it to One Direction?)

5. I resolve to…re-watch last year’s presidential debates on YouTube and recall the wonderfulness of election season.
Just in case I’m wrong and someone did, in fact, resolve something similar to this, you may also benefit from this list of how to survive election withdrawal.

4. I resolve to…perfect my Gangham Style moves.
Because it’s obviously the coolest dance move since the Macarena.

3. I resolve to…procrastinate more this year than ever before.
Although now I’m not so sure this one belongs on the list anymore. It seems one of the ongoing, unspoken resolutions of my whole life is to see how long I can put off things like getting a physical, trimming my hair and doing laundry…

2. I resolve to...sleep less and find more to do in my gobs of free time.
Umm.

And the top resolution I’m pretty sure no one has ever made:

1. I resolve to...gain fifteen pounds.
Usually it’s the opposite, right? That is…unless you’re Tim Tebow and your mean new team asks you to put on some poundage and you do ’cause you’re just that nice of a guy but then they don’t give you any playing time anyway and… 

Okay. Obviously I have some unresolved issues here. While I work through it, tell me…

What do you think are the best/worst resolutions no one has ever made?

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    Comments 45

    7. Ompa Gangnam Style!

      Thanks, Melissa, now that song is in my head for like the millionth time. Although this morning I did wake up thinking about the pizza party and how Susie does something fun at the end. Imagine if the Voices did MBT Gangnum Style. 😀

      I aspire to eat as much junkfood as I can….umm, if I do, then I’ll be hitting #1 with no problem.

      Reply

    12. LOL! Melissa you always make me laugh, thanks for that! HMMM I would say one of the worst would be “I resolve to be rejected by every editor and agent in the business this year.”

      Reply

    13. And I was like baby, baby, baby, oh…

      Yeah. That’s the only one I know. 😛

      And horror upon anyone’s head who actually resolves #7. Horror. And…like, destruction. Or something. (Well, that’s what they’ll experience if they make the switch anyway…) MacGirls unite!

      And have I told you lately how hilarious you are? No? You’re hilarious. The end.

      Reply

      1. The one I know is U Smile. Halfway ashamed I know all the lyrics. But I haven’t deleted it from iTunes, so obviously I sorta like it. 🙂

        And yes, horror…Macs forever!!

        Thank you for telling me I’m hilarious because sometimes I just feel oddballish. Ha! And have I told you lately you totally rock?!

        Reply

    16. HA! Just so you know, I like my PC and dislike our Mac…though my Hubby keeps trying to get me on board with him:)

      Happy Monday, Melissa! Thanks for the laugh:)

      Reply

      1. I know there are PC people out there…my uncle is one of them. In fact, his daughter, my cousin is six years old, I think, and when she saw my iPhone at Christmas, she said, “Ohhh no, my daddy doesn’t like Apples.” 🙂

        Reply

    17. Every woman in the modern world may chase me down and flog me once they read this statement, but I’ve often said I’d love to resurrect the corset! Or at least a version of it! I’d love to shave a couple inches off my waist. 🙂

      Reply

    19. Haha! I always wondered about the whole dentist thing…do they expect us to answer? Do they think we’re rude if we don’t/can’t? What’s the deal anyway? 🙂 And I admit to being mildly curious about the corset customs of days gone by…although, I don’t suppose our society needs any more excuses for cleavage exposure…(not sure where my head is this Monday morning! LOL)

      Reply

      1. I know!! I wonder the same thing every time I go to the dentist. (Which, I admit, is not very often at all. Haha!) I never want to be rude, but I’m always like, really? You want me to answer that question while your hand is in my mouth?

        Reply

    21. I absolutely love your sense of humor. You are hysterical. I’m sure you could get a stand-up gig anywhere. If I had a club, I’d hire you on a permanent basis! (Of course, it’s fine if you keep tucking all that finely-honed humor into your writing, too.)

      Reply

      1. For his sake I hope he gets traded. To me, the whole situation seems like a publicity stunt and that’s not fair to him. Then again, I know next to nothing about football, so I probably shouldn’t try to have intelligent conversations about it. Haha…but I would not complain if Iowa suddenly decided to have a NFL team and he came here. Just saying.

        Reply

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