I’m blogging over at the MBT Ponderers today. Topic: Patience. I know, I’m one to talk—the girl who’s ridiculously antsy for the third season of Downton Abbey and has issues waiting for her coffee in the morning. You can read the post here.
This past weekend I found myself making a list of things I’d pay people to do for me. You know, those unpleasant tasks we’re all faced with…and must carry out begrudgingly because there’s not an app—or job, as it were—for that.
And if you’re wondering, “Dude, Melissa, didn’t you have better things to do over the weekend than make this list?” well, the answer, quite simply, is “Yes.” I have no excuse. But I’m getting a blog out of it, so turns out it was a productive use of time after all. Score one for the creative (that’s code for nonsensically random) brain.
Five Jobs I’d Totally Hire Out For…if they existed:
Synopsis Writer: Okay, so this one’s writer-specific. If you are a writer, you can probably empathize when I say writing a synopsis, for me, is about as pleasant as being covered in paper cuts, then taking a bath in lemon juice. Which, yes, is slightly extreme, but I’m a writer. I think I can get away with that.
Burner Cleaning: Is there any household task more arduous than cleaning stovetop burners? Of course, it wouldn’t be quite so bad if I didn’t let the pot spill over every darn time I boil something.
Folding Bed Sheets: I never feel quite so inept as when I try to fold bed sheets. (Operative word: try) I’m crazy lucky sheet-folding wasn’t a subject in school. I had enough trouble passing home ec as it is. (No, I so did not sew my laundry bag closed. No, I didn’t have to ask the foreign exchange student from Brazil to fix it for me.)
Car Washer: Yes, I am aware that there are places called car washes where a girl can drive her Ford in mud-speckled and out nice and clean. My problem is, I’m always worried I’m going to get stuck in the car wash. I used to think this was an irrational fear until it actually happened to someone I know. So I think I’d like to pay someone to take the risk for me.
“No” Liaison: Saying “no” to people isn’t always easy. Especially if they have puppy dog eyes. Or bribe you with things like M&Ms. So what if you could hire someone to say all your “nos” for you? Convinced you’d rather endure the above-mentioned papercut-slash-lemon-juice-bath experience than teach junior high Sunday School?* Send in the No Liaison. Trying to figure out how to turn down an invitation to your neighbor’s cat’s birthday party without laughing? Surely the “No” Liaison can do it with a straight face.
Okay, your turn! What unpleasant tasks do you wish you could outsource?
*For the record, I love junior highers.
Okay, your turn! What unpleasant tasks do you wish you could outsource?
*For the record, I love junior highers.
Comments 24
You mean we can actually clean burners? Who knew! 😉
I don’t need a “no” liaison b/c I’m actually pretty good at saying it. You could hire me. We’ll discuss my rate.
I’d hire someone to clean out my closets, pantry, and fridge. I freaking hate doing those things!
Hey, I love cleaning out closets. Not even joking!! Maybe we can trade. You can say “no” for me in exchange for a clean closet.
Someone to put away laundry. I have clothes that live on my bedroom floor. Oh, and I know a killer synopsis writer. I’ve told her she needs to start charging.
~ Wendy
Seriously?! I would absolutely pay someone to listen to me verbally spill out my story and then write it up all pretty and nice for me!
When you find that synopsis writer, send her my way! Great post, Melissa. I so need that “no” person.
Hehe, yeah, I’ve actually gotten a lot better at saying “no” lately, but I still have trouble when it comes to the things I actually want to do, but can’t fit in. And then I freak out when I feel like my schedule is controlling me…and it’s all my own fault. 🙂
Haha, you are hilarious!! And just wait until you get married someday…most likely, your burners will be even worse because he’ll let other things boil over, like spaghetti sauce. Yep. And WON’T CLEAN IT UP.
Sigh.
I’d hire someone to go to work for me. It would be kind of a bad deal for them because, you know, they’d only get a portion of my pay, but it would rock for me, because I’d get to write all day!
(Repeating our mantra…I’m grateful for my day job, I’m grateful for my day job…)
Here’s my plan for when I get married, Linds: Marry someone who is willing to hire a housekeeper. Problem solved!!
Yay for our mantra. It’s always extra apropos on Mondays! 🙂
Did you know you can buy new burners? Just saying…not that I would let mine become so dirty that purchasing new ones was easier than cleaning them or anything. I’d also like a Meal Planner/Grocery Shopper. Leave me a detailed list of what I need to cook for each meal, have the items stocked and prepped, and I’ll be all set.
Yes that is me too!!! If they could pick up a few toys off the floor while they are at it that would be nice… Who am I kidding. I want Alice from the Bradey Bunch. Anyone know if she is still alive?
Susan, I know I am about to sound incredibly naive, but I honestly did not realize I could buy new burners. I’m so doing it! Like, this week!
Oh, yes, Tari–Alice would be perfect! Not only was she a stellar housekeeper, but she always seemed so wise. 🙂
Ya know, if you had an Alice, she’d probably go out and buy them for you…
Haha, good point. If I had an Alice, she’d probably take care of everything on this list! Now, if only she could go to the dentist for me… 🙂
I love the idea of dreaming about this – I’d totally make a list, just for the pure joy of imagining how awesome it would be to have the help!
I would love a cleaning person – and not for the deep cleaning – I actually enjoy vacuuming and sweeping – but I’d like someone to follow behind my children and clean up after them. We always have so much “stuff” laying all over the house.
Oh, yes, stuff. I don’t even have kids and I know what you mean! 🙂
Oh my gosh! I totally agree with all of those 🙂 Yeah, I’d love to hire someone to do my laundry and grocery shopping. I don’t mind a lot of other tasks but those just seem to take up way too much time and I don’t enjoy them.
I actually really love grocery shopping when I have time. And I find folding laundry relaxing. Weird, I know. But folding sheets–or matching up socks–that’s where I freak out. 🙂
I love the “No” person. I could use them.
If given the chance,I would hire someone to PLAN the family dinners and assemble ALL the ingredients. I could take it from there.
I’d also like to hire a “stair runner” to take all stuff that sits on the bottom steps to the appropriate room . .. immediately and not days later!
Haha, awesome! I actually remember my mom putting stuff on the stairway for us to bring up to our bedrooms…who knew we weren’t the only family to do that!
Yeah, folding bed sheets is not my cup of tea. I do “try” my best.
Honestly, that’s better than I can say anymore. I’ve pretty much taking to just rolling them up in a ball and stuffing them in the linen closet. 🙂
Melissa, I will fold your sheets for you for free! Heloise taught me how to do it. It is so easy. Didn’t I ever show you that? Sorry, I didn’t know you were suffering so. Ha!
I was just thinking if you would find that perfect combination person to hire that was a synopsis writing, burner cleaning, bed sheet folding, car washer…I don’t think you would like them cuz they would say “no” all the time! 🙁 Bummer!! Hey, I could write your synopsis for you, but remember that pitching video clip you did….um, yeah, need I say more?
I would hire someone to rite I mean right I mean write eliquent, blog, comments with perfect punctiation and spellin!?! too impres me writer dowter.
Haha, Mom, the thing is, you DID teach me how to fold sheets. I just can’t do it. Hehehe…Once we had to do some kind of skills test in school and in the “mechanics” section, I’m pretty sure my score was something like “very poor.” And to me, folding sheets (the mattress ones with the crinkly corners) is very mechanical.
Um, that last sentence made me laugh my head off! Speaking of the pitching video clip, I think I’m going to make a worst-er one pretty soon here. 🙂