Okay, so today’s post is not my usual devo-ish Friday post. But it’s been in the back of my head a long time. So I figured I’d finally let it out.
 Since we’re talking about men today, here are some of my favorite men… 🙂 |
I have to bite my tongue sometimes when I hear people talking about romance in fiction. I get that it’s not everybody’s fave. And that’s totally okay.
But I get a little prickly when I hear people stereotype romance in fiction as…unrealistic.
For the record: I realize there is some incredibly, lazily and stupidly unrealistic stuff out there. I really do. I think we could all come up with examples of books or movies where the romance is shallow or solely centered on sex. And yeah, a lot of the romantic comedy Hollywood puts out today is not romance at its best.
But I’m talking a little more generally here.
And the thing I’ve heard over and over when people are ranting about romance in fiction (particularly Christians, interestingly enough) is that the heroes of romantic stories create unrealistic expectations for today’s women.
To which I always want to say:
A) Dude, give women a little more credit.
B) And seriously…give men a TON more credit!
First of all, I think soooo many writers do amazingly wonderful jobs of creating flawed heroes who are in no way perfect. And this isn’t new. Look at Jane Austen’s heroes. All of them have pitfalls. All of them are wonderfully flawed. Darcy, one of the most beloved heroes of all time, is prideful and quick to judge. He’s awkward in social situations and even manages to insult Lizzie right in the middle of proposing. Yeah. Not so perfect.
But honestly, the faultiness of the “it’s so unrealistic” complaint isn’t even what irks me most. What annoys me most is the way calling literary heroes “unrealistic” sells short today’s men. Seriously, it makes me offended on behalf of the truly cool men I know.
Men like my dad who works so hard and sacrifices for his family. He is faithful and loving and kind, and I cannot tell you how many times as a kid I thought to myself (and still do), “I have the best dad in the world.” He measures up to any hero in any book.
And then there’s my grandpa who has instilled such a deep legacy of faith in his family. He is funny and inventive and so incredibly supportive.
And there’s Mike Redig, my high school youth group leader whose voice I still hear in my head saying, “finish well.” Or the pastor of the church I grew up in who passed away a few years ago, but whose final sermon I will never forget.
I think of my brother out pursuing his dream in New Jersey or my brother-in-law who’s a great husband, dad and even graphic novel writer. I think of the men in the ministry I work for, including my supervisor, and how much they invest in both our staff and the homeless residents we serve. I think of male friends from college who I see making a difference in their families and communities today.
If we take the time to look, we can find men with heroic qualities in our everyday lives. In fact, I’d even suggest that if women can’t see great qualities in real life guys…then the problem may not be with the men…*
And, look, here’s the thing: Storytellers often need to stick our heroes into slightly more dramatic situations than what happens in everyday life. That’s because we’re trying to write riveting stories. We’re trying to keep readers engaged. We need good hooks to get an editor’s—and later a reader’s—attention.
But just because the plot situations may seem elevated, I don’t believe the characters themselves are. In fact, all my favorite characteristics about the men in my own book, Made to Last, were inspired by the qualities I see in men around me.
In other words, when I’m weaving romance into my stories…I’m not writing about the way I wish men were. But about the way I believe they are. So many of them.
I like men.**
And I don’t like hearing people assume men today can’t live up to the men in my or others’ stories. Because it’s just not true.
There. I think I feel better now.
All right, readers, anyone want to challenge me on this? Or if you agree, who are the real life heroes in your life? What qualities do they share with your favorite literary heroes?
*I realize these couple statements can sound flippant to women who have been abused or in any way victimized by men in their life. Please know I’m not speaking to that audience here…but instead to the romance skeptics among us “worried” about women and our expectations. 🙂
**Well, most of them anyway. I’ve never been a big fan of dictators.
Comments 36
Well said!!!! And I’m so glad you did say this. It’s true. Men don’t get enough credit. My husband is a hero. A godly man who has flaws but always reaches to be better. He loves me like Christ loves the church and I know he’d lay his life down for me and the kids in a second. And like you said, isn’t that the kind of heroes we write about? I say, it is. 🙂
Yay, sounds like we’re in agreement. Well, truthfully, I didn’t really think too many people would disagree that men are great. Haha! But I wondered about my assertion that real life men are just as good as literary men… 🙂
I completely agree! Our culture tends to discount men due to the actions of some. And yet I know so many wonderful, godly (though flawed) men, including my husband. There was a point many years ago when I had to set aside romance novels not because there was anything wrong with the way they were written, but because we were at a point in our marriage where all I could see were my husband’s flaws and when I read, all I could see were the hero’s strengths. However, that was MY perception problem, not a problem of the author or genre. When my heart got right, I could again enjoy romances. In fact, they actually helped me understand and appreciate my husband with all his strengths and weaknesses!
Ooh ooh! I love how your comment is proof of the “give women more credit” point. Because you realized where your own perceptions had taken a turn and did what you needed to do. I love that! I love that you took stock of your heart and realigned. The more I get to know you online, the more I look up to you! 🙂
Preach it Melissa! As women, we short change ourselves and the men in our lives if we try to take on their role and our own. Let men be men. Encourage them, respect them, and support them. In our society, self-sufficiency and the you-can-do-it-all mentality for women crushes and stifles what God intended for the male/female dynamic. If men aren’t stepping up, perhaps could it be because we as women don’t let them?
Hmm, yeah, I can see that in some instances. I guess it goes along with that phrase–if we don’t expect much of people, well, then that’s exactly what we’ll get.
So true 🙂 I am always amazed in television how men (or Dads) are always portrayed in a bumbling, non-intelligent way. There are many men out there living up to who God called them to be!
Yes, it’s true–many shows show bumbling men. I got hooked on Parenthood recently and that’s one show that has great husbands and father figures. They mess up all the time, yes, but they aren’t your regular-sitcom “I don’t even know how to change a diaper” guys. 🙂
Amen. Sister! Preach it! The best post I’ve seen on refuting the logic that Christian women shouldn’t read romance and the “fostering” it somehow produces. Love this post!!
Thanks, Casey!
Hmm…you really give me some food for thought. I’m one of those “not a fan of romance because it’s unrealistic” types – BUT, I see what you’re saying. It isn’t necessarily the characters who are out in left field, but the situations they are placed into for dramatic effect. I know plenty of men who live up to the “hero” moniker!
Oh, oh, Melissa, but there are so many romantic stories out there that aren’t unrealistic… 🙂 But yeah, we do all have our own tastes and romance isn’t going to be everybody’s genre of choice, for sure. And yay for knowing men who are real life heroes. 🙂
I wonder if it’s really that we see the heroes as being unrealistic or if it’s the idealistic image of the romance. I think stories (more so in movies than in books)tend to present the fairytale dimension of love, which is a beautiful aspect of love–something to be cherished and celebrated–but if we idealize that side at the expense of the others, it’s easy to become disillusioned when those expectations collide with real life moments when love is a choice rather than a fairytale. Food for thought. 🙂
I hear ya, Crystal. I do. I think one thing people have to remember is that most novels (with the exception of sagas) are capturing a season in time, not an entire life of romance…so they may pull out some of the “fairytale” aspects more than the “dude, you’ve got horrible morning breath” aspects of marriage. But in my thinking, it’s up to the reader to be smart enough to know that most romantic stories are covering the initial falling-in-love season and that yeah, it’s not all peaches and cream after that.
That said, yeah, I do hear you and completely agree that love is a choice. And we have to acknowledge that. Ooh, an author to check out–Susan May Warren. She has several books in which characters are already married. They’re past the initial falling-in-love stage. THey’ve hit bumps in their relationship. Shadow of Your Smile and You Don’t Know Me are two examples…awesome books!!
This is cool! It sounds like you’re blessed to have a lot of wonderful men in your life. I totally agree with this. Something that’s romantic in a book, a picnic for example (where the hero and heroine laze around and simply enjoy spending time with each other) isn’t always going to seem romantic in real life, making it seem like our real life heroes are on a different level than our fictional heroes. But that’s not always the case! Thanks for giving me something to think about 🙂
Haha, that’s a great point, Cindy. Ants and bugs and bad weather can really ruin picnics. LOL!
I think part of the problem is the way men are portrayed in the sit-coms…either the children are way smarter and the dad is a bumbling idiot, or they are lazy, no-goods. What happened to the days of Father Knows Best or My Three Sons or Happy Days?
Haha, very true, Pat. If all dads were like the bulk of the dads on TV, we’d probably be in a lot of trouble. 🙂
Oh, Melissa! I love this! It’s so true.
Thanks, Julie!
Yes! I love a good hero, in fiction and in real life. The definition, in my mind, of a hero is a flawed man OVERCOMING circumstances and rising above them with courage, faith and dedication. My husband is the greatest hero I’ve ever met and I’m prayerfully raising my sons to be heros, as well. Great post, Melissa!!
Yes, love your comment, Gabe. Exactly!!
I agree 100%. My dad first and now my husband have shown me that truly good men do exist in this world. No, not every man will be a hero–but we don’t write books about them. Or maybe we do, but they’re the villains. 😉 Or, in all seriousness, they start out without hero qualities but gain them through circumstances and trial. I think that definitely happens in real life too.
Haha, yes, the anti-heroes become the villains…or just the boring characters. LOL!
Bravo! I love this post!!! I’ve had some not so heroic men pass through my life, but I married a heroic husband, and we are raising two sons. I hate male bashing because those bashers are knocking my boys.
I will always be true to writing romance because I believe in the happily ever after. That doesn’t mean they ride off into the sunset together, but they are promising each other to uphold their vows and promises made to one another. And when those rocky moments surface, God’s presence is the solution to strengthen those relationships.
I was going to comment on your comment, Lisa, but we already talked about it over the weekend. 🙂 But yeah…I’m so glad you love your men–your husband and sons. You are an awesome wife and mom!
Agreed, Melissa! I know plenty of heroic men. My husband left a high-paying job in the Canadian government to spend his life among the down-and-outers of Bolivia and Mexico. My father and grandfather both served in World War II–enough said about them (but they do have fascinating stories to tell)! My brothers are all hard-working men who love and support their families. I have a nephew who’s a firefighter and another who works in the emergency room. Besides, if you look carefully at the “heroes” in fiction, you’ll find most of them have both heroic characteristics and their own personal flaws. I’m glad you got this off your chest and gave us an opportunity to say “Amen!”
You know, I think I vaguely knew your family’s story, Teri, but I’d love more details sometime. Sounds like you’ve got some amazingly heroic men in your life. And can I just say, you are one yourself…a heroine, I mean, not a man! HA! But seriously, you’ve overcome so much in the past couple years!
I’m thrilled that both of my sons love their kids tons and are doing the best they can to be the best dads possible. I think they’re getting it that children are the only thing we take w/ us into eternity.
Good insightful post, MTagg.
Thanks so much, Dee!
I think sometimes we have to adjust our perception of what a hero looks like. Usually heroes aren’t born, they’re made–often through adversity. I think with many Christian marriages on the rocks, we have to admit that holding unrealistic expectations can kill a marriage faster than anything. If you go into it believing your hubs will do everything right and say the right things (as many shallow heroes do), you are going to torpedo your marriage. I’ve seen it happen, many times. If, instead, you determine that YOU are personally going to grow in the Lord and PRAY for your husband, even if he is in a bad place or YOU are in a bad place spiritually, God will move and work to bind and hold that marriage together. I just think that we, as writers, can definitely make our male characters heroes (and I love making my HUSBANDS the heroes…it’s kind of a theme of mine)…but the heroes who stick with me are the ones who, like Gabrielle said above, and like your real-life examples, learn to overcome hardships for the greater good of their families.
Very true–wrong expectations can really mess us up. My beef is more with lumping all romantic stories together and saying they set people up for wrong expectations. Haha! When I hear people say that I want to respond, “Have you even picked up a recent CBA story?” So many authors (like Susan May Warren, who I mentioned above–or Rachel Hauck or Beth Vogt or Becky Wade or Lisa Jordan…I could go on and on and on) write stories with flawed heroes and situations in which characters have to adjust their own hearts and beliefs as they fall in love. It’s not all frilly fairytale stuff.
But yes, I definitely agree–people need to work hard and pray hard in relationships!
Great post, Melissa. I don’t mind flawed heroes AT ALL – in fact, they SHOULD be because realistically, humans are as imperfect as anything. As such, I judge each fictional character by his own merits – the acts of one do not influence whether I like or dislike another. Where I draw the line is if the physical attraction goes “too far” – when I feel as if the guy “forces” his attentions on the woman, that is bothersome. I don’t ever want to feel that and speaking strictly about that situation, I am sorry but it’s not possible for me to respect the man. As a single girl and reader who believes a hero (man) should inspire respect, this mentality is off-putting and then from a different perspective, my mother understands why mothers feel uncomfortable with some of the shenanigans of these fictional men.
On the flipside, believe me, I blame the female gender all the time for their part in relationship failures or improper “temptations.” Believe me.
Enjoyed reading this, Melissa. 🙂
Thanks, Rissi. I enjoyed reading your thoughts. I like that you judge each fictional character on his/her own rather than lumping them all together. 🙂
Melissa, what a wonderful post. Heroes are flawed, that’s a key aspect to why they’re heroes.
Love, love the way you honour the men in your life. Tremendous…
I’m looking forward to seeing how you bring this out in your novel.
Ian
Oh thank you, Ian. I think you’re the lone male to stop by on this particular post, but I’m glad you did. Oh, and I’ve got your book sitting out on my kitchen table. Can’t wait to read it!!